How To Get Rid Of

The Frustration When

Caring For Your Aging Parents

Caring for aging parents is hard. Suddenly, the two of you are engaged in an inverted relationship; you're the caretaker, he's the child. You may have additional stress if you're trying to raise your own children or grandchildren, or continue a career, or maintain a good relationship with your spouse. Your parent isn't helping any; he still wants to boss you around, be in control, be the parent.

It's a tough situation and you become frustrated, you get mad at your parent for not listening to obvious logic (yours that is), and then mad at yourself for getting mad at your parent. Round and round it goes until you are one big emotional wreck!

Hold on! Instead of going totally insane from your frustration, berating yourself, and stress, try my advice and things will become MUCH easier.

For instance, take time out of your busy schedule to understand what's going on in your parents' heads and understand the five stages of change. These stages are outlined in the lengthily-titled Transtheoretical Model for Change, which is easily defined as:

1. Pre-contemplation: When a person doesn't see the present situation as problem. He says they can't or won't change. This stage is before the person is ready to change at all.
2. Contemplation: When a person is considering change, but is afraid or otherwise undecided to commit to do anything right now.
3. Preparation: When a person is getting ready to change. This includes things, for the elderly parent, like; going to the doctor, looking at retirement homes, or talking about selling the old family home.
4. Action: When a person is in the process of change. This is a particularly difficult time, as things are unstable and shifting and have not reached a point of equilibrium.
5. Maintenance: The time periond after the change when a person is working to maintain their goals.

How can this help you when caring for your aging parents? When you identify in your mind the stage of change they are in you can speak to them in an appropriate way for that particular stage. This will make your communication much more productive and avoid the frustrations of talking with no one listening.

For example, suppose your elderly father's doctor has prescribed, on top of medication, thirty minutes of walking every day. Your father says he doesn't need to do it and doesn't intend to do it.

This is the pre-contemplation stage; take him at his word. You need to help him understand (in a gentle way, if need be) why walking is so important to his health and well-being. Giving him encouraging words will do nothing for him because he is not yet ready for any action. Some ways you can do this: take up walking yourself and give him cheerful updates on what's going on in the neighborhood; find a senior walking group in the area with people who would interest him; talk about the medications he might be able to give up if he starts walking more; get his grandchildren to start walking, and encourage Grandpa to come along with them to talk about whatever. The method you use will be appropriate to your father.

Now, suppose your father says, “Okay, I think I can do it, but I'll need help.” This means he's either in the contemplation or preparation stages. You simply need to provide the help – and it needs to be real help of the sort your father is requesting. Telling him the importance of walking simply annoys him!

Once he's started his walking regimen, you need to make it your business to keep him going, to help him stick to the regular routine. This may mean you get to take up walking yourself (probably not a bad idea for you!) or just talk to him every day about what happened on his excursion, or simply remind him that it's time to go out and start walking.

The theory takes practice, both in recognizing which stage your parent is in and in determining the best way to address the issue. But spend the time working on it. The emotional tranquility that this brings your, your aging parent, and all those around makes it a great investment of your time energy.

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