Do You Have the Family Tradition of Eating and Arguing?

In many homes there is a common family tradition that all members of the extended family, aunts, uncles, and cousins, come together and eat the holiday meal together. There is also another family tradition connected with this meal -- a family argument.

Many families look at this family tradition as a way of connecting with each other and they even look forward to these "friendly heated discussions".

If your family views these heated discussions as something having no redeeming value, then surely you should try, at all costs, to prevent them. However, here a few guidelines for the families who actually enjoy these kinds of discussions that verge on arguments.

• Focus on the main point. Targeting a side point is easy but is useful only to "win" the argument. However in the long run, it only deflects the train of the discussion, and does nothing towards reaching a conclusion. Resist the temptation. Stay focused.
• Don’t throw insults and don’t get personal. Don't point your finger at other people. This is a cheap tactic to "win" your argument, but by doing so you don't prove your point. You just alienate the other person.

  At this point, it may be the moment for a "time-out" to cool down. No matter how much the family feels arguments bring them closer together, the practice of name calling is off limits.

• Avoid sarcasm. Sarcasm is a tactic which makes the other person feel stupid and even worse. It is frequently referred to as the "lowest form of wit," and comes from an ancient Greek word meaning “to tear flesh.” It can manifest as sneering, jesting, or mocking of a person, situation, or thing, and is usually intended to wound.

  Your festive family dinner is the last place you want to get into such abusive behavior, no matter how humorous you think you are being. It’s always at someone else’s expense.

  For instance, if someone expresses a sincere feeling or thought, but it’s something which is irrelevant to you, you can only cause him needless pain if you come up with a sarcastic remark like, "Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?"

• At the end of the argument try to make some joke (not about the other party) to clear the air. It helps to lighten up the atmosphere and put things in perspective.

• If someone was hurt by the argument, it is always best to swallow your pride and APOLOGIZE. An apology can be an expression of remorse for something done wrong. For example: "I apologize for being so adamant about my political beliefs. They’re really not as important as our friendship.”

In addition to the pointers given in these guidelines you need to understand cultural differences. If someone in your family comes from a different culture than yours, there may be significant differences in the way they relate to others.

For instance, I have neighbors who sound like they are fighting, by the standards I’m used to, when having an ordinary conversation. They say something as innocent as “pass the salt,” and it sounds to me as if WWIII is about to start.

My Aunt Becky and Aunt Sadie wouldn’t have talked to each other for the next 50 years if one of them had used those tones of voice. But this family gets along fine because they understand each other.

The family tradition of a get-together, especially at holiday-time, can be a wonderful, joyous experience, and a chance to forge deeper bonds.

With some attention given to the guidelines above, family arguments don’t have to end up with lasting wounds. What’s more important than the family truly enjoying each other’s company and having good memories of their get-together?

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No family is perfect but the purpose of family reunions is clear: to increase family interaction, foster family relationships and create family memories. Visit www.family-reunion-success.com/the-importance-of-family-reunions.html and learn their importance, how to plan one, and how to make one.