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I had the pleasure and honor of hearing my sister's father-in-law, who is now a little more than 100 years old, speak at the wedding celebrations of his children and grand children. He always wove into his speeches that the most important of all marriage tips is to say, "I'm sorry." If you do this, he would say, then you will live together for many happy years.

These two simple and straightforward words make magic! A second before you uttered these words your spouse might have this angry look on their face, refuse to look at you, and be most unhelpful. You say these words and "abracadabra" everything changes. Their face muscles relax, they begin to look at you, and they revert back to being a helpful and devoted spouse.

"Easy enough", you might say. Well, if you did say this I guess you are not a male, not married, or a saint. Deborah Tannen in her book,"I Only Said it because I Love You" contends that generally speaking it is part of women's style of speech to apologize while men find it very difficult to utter these words. Men also don't see the importance of it.

This causes a two folded problem; firstly women misinterpret the man's not apologizing that he really doesn't feel sorry what happened (which definitely might not be the case). Secondly, men misinterpret the women's need to hear these words as a lack of self confidence and totally dependent on them (which also might definitely not be the case) . Therefore, she suggests, that men should swallow their pride and learn to apologize, while women should realize that men might feel bad for what they did even though they don't express it. These two steps could save a lot of pain and a lot of marriages.

Like all marriage tips (and, as a matter of fact, this is true of all tips) it is not enough to know it is important but you have to also know how to carry it out.

Joshua Uerbergang gives some very practical tips on how to effectively apologize.

• Don't make the other party a partner in what happened. Take full responsibility for what happened. An apology like, "I'm sorry I broke the dish but please don't set it so close to the table next time." won't be too effective.



• Acknowledge the other person's feelings.. Don't just apologize for what happened but also apologize for the pain or discomfort you caused. "I'm sorry I came home late and didn't call to tell you. I'm sure you were worried." is much more powerful than just to say, "I'm sorry I came home late and didn't call to tell you."
  
  

• Be Specific.. Don't say, "I'm really sorry for all the times that I hurt you." It sounds like a politician speaking and not a real apology. It means next to nothing. In another article he correctly calls this a "non apology apology".



• Timing. If you did something very little (in the other person's eyes, not your own!) then this really isn't so important. But if you caused a lot of hurt then don't apologize when your spouse is running out of the house to take the children somewhere. Wait until it is quiet time and only then apologize.



• Explain but don't blame. You should explain why you did what you did but, like we said before, don't make the other party a partner in it.

One last word. One reason why I personally find it difficult to apologize to my wife is that I don't always realize that I am annoying her! (Thankfully they are usually only petty things). If you don't know what your partner likes or dislikes then it's pretty hard not to "step on their toes".

There is a nice little tool (checklist) to help you to find out all different things about your partner in a fun way. Check it out, try it, (it comes with a money back guarantee) and if you "mess up" just remember the most important of all marriage tips: APOLOGIZE.

Return to Married Life: Heaven or Hell? from The Marriage Tip of All Marriage Tips.