Married Life: A Dream-Come-True or a Nightmare?

A young person I know, a few days before getting married, came over to me and asked me, "Shevach, you have been married for a long time now (almost 30 years) and as far as I can tell you have a good marriage. Tell me the truth. Is married life really a dream or is it a nightmare but you are putting on a good front?"

Poor guy! He was so scared to get married that he didn't ask me if I know a recipe for a good marriage or what is the key to a good marriage. He didn't really believe that it is possible to have a good marriage!

I admit that I was surely taken aback by the question but after thinking for a few moments I told him that I am very lucky to be happily married and that it is definitely possible to be happy, married, and fulfilled even with the responsibility of a wife and family. (The truth I don't know how people are happy and fulfilled without being married!) I then told him that I'll tell him some free marriage advice even though that he didnt' ask me for it.

I told him him that the key to a good marriage and to staying marriage for many many years is simply that that the husband and the wife make the effort to get along. It is really in their hands. If they do this then their married life will be like heaven on earth. The closeness between them will increases over the years.

However, if they don’t keep making the effort, the situation can naturally deteriorate until they will be unhappily married, will have big marital problems, and will be living a hell on earth. If it gets so bad then the idea of a divorce might be the best choice for the both of them.

A very wise man I know used to say that if, in a marriage, each one is thinking of what they can get out of it, then it's a nightmare. If each one is trying to give to the other, they have heaven.

So it seems clear that the state of a marriage depends on the input of both parties. It’s possible to reach tremendous heights of deepening love and closeness, and it’s also possible to experience great division and strife. This can be summed up by the age-old saying, "The higher you climb, the harder you can fall".

Research bears this out. On the one hand studies show that married people:

• are healthier
• less depressed
• live longer
• have more wealth and economic assets
• have more satisfying sexual relationships

than single or cohabiting individuals.

In addition to these benefits, “children generally do better emotionally and academically when they are raised in two-parent families." (Marriage & Family Wellness: Corporate America’s Business)

On the other hand, however, "Domestic discord is probably the most widespread form of human misery." (The River, the Kettle and the Bird, pg. 7, by Rabbi Aharon Feldman)

After you realize that it is in your power to be happily married or to have a bad marriage, what can you do to make it heavenly and not a nightmare?

One possibility is to get married and hope for the best. This, however, isn't such a good idea because things often gravitate to the bad side of the spectrum when left unattended.

A better way to deal with this seems to be to determine what are the things that cause the problem and to work on them.

In one study it was found that the five most important traits needed to make married life heavenly are:

• Good communication skills
• Flexibility
• Closeness
• Personality compatibility
• Conflict resolution

When these traits are present chances are that your married life will be wonderful.

Knowing this, it is definitely worth working on these five points and climb higher and higher, thus avoiding the hard fall.

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