Learn How To Talk To Your Abrasive Mother In Law

2 emails (horror stories) that I recently received:

#1. "Last year I had a miscarriage which was very traumatic as it would have been our first child. The other day, my mother-in-law said to me (without my husband) that "if John wanted children, he should have had some of his own"! Cold, callous, calculating and totally designed to hit me where it hurt most."

I replied to her and a few days later I received the following email,

"Hello Shevach,Thank you for this e-mail. To update you, don't worry about the phone call.I'm going to be leaving my marriage permanently due to this.

#2. ...My father just past away she starts an argument with me on why didn't I call her while I was at my parents so that she could talk to our son...(mind you she is in good health and her fingers are NOT broken and she does know the phone number to my parents house.) I lost it and went completely off on her.

The common denominator of these two unfortunate situations is that when they were faced with nightmarish and sickening situations they reacted in non beneficial ways.

The daughter in law in the first situation responded with silence which resulted in the hurt, pain, and loneliness of divorce (if she went through with it).

The daughter in law in the second situation reacted with violence (the verbal sort) that didn't help her situation at all (putting in mildly). In emotional stressful situation like the above you think that there are only two unsatisfactory, ineffective and damaging options; silence and violence which causes misery and suffering.

What Should You Do With Such A Mother In Law?

In the excellent book "Crucial Confrontations" the authors maintain that silence, although looks like a good option is bad in the long run; all of your negative emotions finally erupt like a volcano with bad results (like the first email that I mentioned above.)

Try to understand from where they are coming so you won't be so angry and lose control. 1. Don't blame the other person. Keep the conversation safe for them. 2. Tell your view of what happened WITHOUT your explanations. Just the facts (you called me this name, I was hurt and not you think so little of me etc. (how do you know what she thinks!) 3. Be respectful at all times during the conversation. 4. End with a call to action.

Put these few rules to work and see the difference!

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