Do You Suffer From

Mothers In Law Stress?

Sometimes it's an instantaneous dislike and sometimes it takes time for it to develop, but regardless of when it happens, it's a common problem: stress with the interfering mother-in-law. It comes with the territory, even though it's not in the wedding vows.

You may think you've figured out how to handle her – ignoring her, passing over slights, or even sitting there and bearing it at family events. But if it's causing you undue stress, and especially if it is straining your marriage, it's vital that you address problems with your mother-in-law and settle them as soon as you can.

1. Identify the specific problem, and write it down. This is harder than you might think; sometimes "mother in law stress" is due to something vague that she does. Perhaps every time she leaves you feel inadequate, or it bugs you that your husband talks about how amazing her cooking is but never compliments yours. Spend some time with this. Dissect your feelings about your mother-in-law and write down everything you can think of that bothers you.
2. Is it her, or is it you? Looking at your list, have you identified things she does – or only your reactions to her? If it's the latter, perhaps the real problem is something going on with you. Is it true that she's a great cook, and you are only a mediocre one? Take some classes, or just don't worry about it. Does she remind you of that aunt who you always hated? Not her fault. If you still think it's her and not you, take another look at everything you wrote down, and see if you can figure out exactly what SHE does that sets you off.
3. Honesty is always the best policy. Once you understand exactly why your mother-in-law bugs you, talk to your husband about it. Chances are good that you've already had one or two heated debates about her, but now you can enter into this without getting upset, and with a clear understanding of what is wrong. Remember, men are often confused by female clashes, so your clear and logical explanation is your best tool. Then stop and listen to what he has to say. There's a very good chance he's had a problem with the same personality trait, but you won't know unless you really listen to him.
4. Try getting to know her. Usually the interfering mother in law isn't trying to drive a wedge between you and your husband; she's not evil! Instead, there is something she is trying to communicate to you. Perhaps she's afraid that you'll replace her in your husband's heart, or maybe she is used to the terrible women your husband used to date, or it could just be a typical female personality clash. You both have one thing in common, possibly more: you both love your husband, and if there are children, you both love the children. See if you can set your differences aside and focus on making those you love happy. Putting them at the center, rather than your mutual conflict, will naturally settle your problems. Make sure, also, that you LISTEN to her, just as with your husband, even if she has some harsh things to say. Often, problems and misunderstandings are caused because we forget that communication must flow both ways.
5. Then there are those who thrive on drama. If you have a mother in law who just seems to need things at a high emotional pitch all the time, recognize it and stay away from her. You don't have to get caught up in her personal story. Be cordial, but don't take blame for imagined slights or trumped-up mistakes.
6. Remember the serenity prayer, and have the wisdom to know you cannot change your mother in law. She is who she is, and there is little you can do about that. Focus on serenity in yourself, and just smile when she goes on one of her wild hairs.
7. Identify the line she must not cross, and do not let her cross it. While most mother-in-laws are primarily annoying, there are some who are downright damaging. For instance, if you do not spank and she does, that's a line. If she puts your husband through hell because she's a mean person, that's a line. Your loyalties are to yourself, your children, and your husband, more or less in that order. When she crosses a line, let her know that that is not acceptable, and be ready to drop-kick her out of your life and that of your children if she crosses it again. This will require discussion with the husband first, but if you make your case clearly, he should understand and support you. If he doesn't, the problem is deeper than the mother in law.

Mothers in law can be a pain, but you must remember: it is your life. While you must do what you can to get along with her, you should also remember that you don't have to be her friend, and you don't have to make her like you. The center of your life is your family: your husband and children.

She will always be a part of your family, so do everything you can within reason to make that connection, now and in the future. If you are starting to make a connection with her, surprise her. Take her out to lunch, or treat her with a special photo sitting with just her and her grandchildren. Give her the wallet you saw her admiring at the store. Sometimes the smallest gestures can go a very long way.

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